Have you ever felt hurt because it seemed like your boyfriend started dating you but then always chose his sister’s side over yours? I’ve been there before, and it doesn’t feel good. When your boyfriend chooses his sister over you, it can make you feel confused, frustrated, and even jealous.
You start asking yourself, “Does he love me as much as he loves her? Why does he always take his sister’s side?” It’s so easy to take it personally and feel like you’re not important to him.
There are many reasons why a guy might put his sister first that have nothing to do with you. Understanding these reasons can help you deal with it better instead of feeling hurt. In this article, I’ll share nine common reasons why your boyfriend may choose his sister and some tips on what you can do about it.
Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Chooses His Sister Over You
1. Strong family bonds
Strong family bonds are one big reason your boyfriend may favor his sister over you. When they grow up together, they usually form a tight lifelong bond. Your boyfriend and his sister have likely been through a lot together and rely on each other for support. This close bond can make your boyfriend feel obligated to look out for his sister and prioritize her needs.
In many families, they promise to always be there for each other. Your boyfriend may have promised his parents that he would take care of and protect his sister. He takes these promises very seriously and feels it’s his responsibility to put his sister first. Going against his family obligations doesn’t feel right to him.
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At the end of the day, the bond between them is very powerful. Your boyfriend cares deeply about his sister and feels compelled to honor their close relationship. When forced to choose sides, he picks the person he’s known the longest and has an ingrained loyalty to – his sister. Try to be understanding of these familial ties.
2. Known her longer than you
Another reason your boyfriend may prefer his sister is that he’s known her longer than he’s known you. Your boyfriend grew up with his sister and has likely known her his whole life. They have a history together that predates you entering the picture. This can make your boyfriend feel more responsibility and loyalty toward his sister.
In comparison, your relationship with your boyfriend is still new. You may feel like your connection is strong and meaningful. But in your boyfriend’s eyes, his bond with his sister was formed first and has had many more years to deepen. When it comes down to it, blood relations often take priority over newer romantic ties.
Even if you and your boyfriend are serious, the fact remains that his sister was there first. He’s known and cared for her longer. Your relationship, as special as it feels, hasn’t had the same amount of time to mature and solidify. When forced to pick a side, your boyfriend defaults to his sister because of seniority. Be patient – he will ideally learn to balance both relationships in time.
3. Trying to avoid conflict
Your boyfriend may also pick his sister’s side to avoid conflict between the important women in his life. When his sister and girlfriend don’t get along, it puts your boyfriend in an awkward position. He likely feels caught in the middle and pressured to pick a side.
Your boyfriend tries to keep the peace by siding with his sister to avoid confrontations and arguments. In his mind, maintaining harmony in the family takes priority over your feelings as his girlfriend. He doesn’t want to deal with the drama and headache of his sister and girlfriend fighting.
By always agreeing with his sister, your boyfriend attempts to keep problems and discord at bay. He feels that nurturing his lifelong family relationship is more important than addressing the issues between you and his sister. Your boyfriend may also worry that openly disagreeing with his sister could damage their bond.
While avoiding conflict is understandable, your boyfriend must also recognize that this approach causes hurt feelings in his relationship with you. With care and courage, he can learn to balance both connections.
4. Very protective of his sister
Some boyfriends are extremely protective of their sisters, which can also cause them to choose their sister’s side over their girlfriend’s. Your boyfriend may feel protective of his sister due to their close family bond. He wants to shield her from any perceived harm or threats to her finances.
This protective instinct can kick in if you and his sister clash. Your boyfriend sees it as his duty to stick up for his sister and defend her. In his mind, she is vulnerable and needs his protection, while you can handle yourself in a confrontation.
Even if you make excellent points, his desire to protect his sister causes your boyfriend to favor her side. He has an ingrained need to support her because she is family. Your boyfriend may also be very protective if his sister is younger and still developing independence.
Try understanding your boyfriend’s deep-seated need to protect his sister. With time and reassurance of your good intentions, he can also learn to balance this protectiveness with caring for your feelings. Meet him halfway by avoiding unnecessary conflicts with his sister.
5. You and his sister don’t get along
It’s very common for a boyfriend to side with his sister if you don’t get along. When his girlfriend and sister are constantly butting heads, your boyfriend is in a difficult spot. He feels torn about which woman to agree with and who to be loyal to.
In most cases, if forced to decide between his sister and girlfriend not liking each other, a boyfriend will choose family. The bond with his sister existed first and is deeply ingrained. He can’t imagine severing that lifelong tie.
Meanwhile, your relationship is still evolving, and he hopes that friction with his sister will diminish in time. When tensions are high between the two women he cares about, siding with his sister seems like the safest choice.
Try not to take this too personally. You may find ways to get along better over time with patience and maturity. But for now, accept that blood relations precede your boyfriend when the going gets tough—work on being the bigger person and slowly building trust.
6. She makes him feel guilty
Some sisters have mastered the art of pushing their brother’s guilty buttons to get their way. If your boyfriend’s sister makes him feel guilty about spending time with you instead of her, this can influence him to choose her side.
For example, she might say things like, “You never have time for me anymore now that you have a girlfriend!” or “I thought I was the most important girl in your life?” Comments like these prey on your boyfriend’s conscience and sense of family responsibility.
When his sister lays on the guilt about being neglected, your boyfriend gives in and caters to her needs instead of standing up for your relationship. He doesn’t want to deal with the headaches and remorse of feeling like he let his sister down.
If this sounds familiar, have a gentle talk with your boyfriend about setting healthy boundaries with manipulative behavior from his sister, no matter how guilt-provoking. Remind him that true caring supports each other’s happiness, not guilt trips.
7. You’re too demanding of his time
If your boyfriend feels like you are being too demanding of his time, this can cause him to passive-aggressively pick his sister’s side as a form of backlash. He may resent you, making him feel that he has to pick between spending time with you or his sister.
When you insist on frequent dates, get upset about canceled plans, or complain that he doesn’t devote enough time to you, your boyfriend feels trapped and pulled in opposite directions. He doesn’t want to have to schedule and ration time slots for the important women in his life.
By siding with his sister, your boyfriend expresses that your demands on his time are unreasonable. He wants more freedom and flexibility without angering his girlfriend or neglecting his family.
Have an open discussion about finding a balance that works for both of you. Be willing to compromise on time commitments. And be wary of pressuring him in ways that backfire.
8. You don’t understand sibling bonds
Sometimes, a boyfriend will accuse his girlfriend of not fully appreciating or relating to sibling bonds. If your boyfriend thinks you don’t really “get” his close connection with his sister, this can make him more prone to siding with her.
You may have had a very different sibling experience than your boyfriend. Or you may be an only child and struggle to relate to that built-in loyalty and shorthand. When your boyfriend doesn’t feel like you understand his origin, he leans on the person who shares that inherent sibling bond.
Your lack of understanding about his sister’s relationship leads to hurt feelings and makes your boyfriend wish you could put yourself in his shoes. He wishes you could be more empathetic instead of making him feel guilty for caring about his sister.
Make an effort to learn about and appreciate sibling dynamics. Ask your boyfriend open questions and acknowledge the importance of his family ties, even if you can’t directly relate. Meeting him halfway goes a long way.
9. Immaturity
Sometimes, the root cause of a boyfriend always siding with his sister is simple immaturity. If your boyfriend lacks relationship experience, he may struggle with the skills to balance his loyalties effectively.
Young guys new to dating may default to the sister bond they know best when tensions rise. They simply lack the tools and tact to manage friction between their girlfriend and sister gracefully.
An immature boyfriend leans on the familiar and comfortable tie he’s always known when things get complicated. He doesn’t yet have the relational maturity to juggle multiple female connections.
Have compassion for your boyfriend’s learning curve. With good communication, you can both work to grow your conflict resolution abilities. Focus on the positive traits that first drew you together, and be patient as he gains relationship wisdom. This situation can improve with time.
What To Do If Boyfriend Chooses His Sister Over You
Communicate your feelings calmly
When you feel hurt that your boyfriend keeps choosing his sister over you, it’s important to communicate this calmly rather than bottling it up. Find a quiet moment to tell him how this makes you feel using “I” statements rather than accusations.
For example, “I feel left out when you cancel our plans to spend time with your sister” or “I get confused when you take your sister’s side in an argument instead of hearing me out.” Stay relaxed and focus just on expressing your emotions, not blaming him.
Setting aside time specifically to have this discussion prevents things from blowing up in the heat of the moment. And when you approach the topic gently, your boyfriend will be more receptive. This can open up an honest dialogue where you both apologize and talk about how to balance both relationships better.
Get to know his sister better
If your relationship with his family gets off on the wrong foot, it can really help to put in effort to get to know her better. Making attempts to bond with his sister shows your boyfriend that you value him and his family.
Plan regular activities with his sister like coffee dates, movie nights or shopping. Find common interests you can bond over. She shows interest when she shares about her life. Building rapport and trust with his sister takes away some of the “me vs. her” tension.
When your boyfriend sees you making an effort with his sister, he’ll feel less caught in the middle. And earning his sister’s friendship directly is very powerful. With understanding and compromise on both sides, you can become true allies.
Compromise on time together
If you feel like your boyfriend’s sister is monopolizing his schedule, compromising on time together is key. Be willing to occasionally give them time, but set agreed-upon date nights and activities just for the two of you.
Come up with a balanced routine that gives you quality couple time but also allows him family time. Maybe you get Friday nights while Sunday is the day. Or limit his sister’s hangouts to once during the workweek.
Approach it as teamwork rather than you vs. his sister. Planning things out prevents last-minute cancellations. And your willingness to compromise and be accommodating shows him you empathize with his family obligations. Just be sure you get meaningful time too.
Show empathy for their sibling bond
Even if you can’t fully relate to your boyfriend’s close sibling bond, showing empathy helps immensely. Avoid acting jealous, making demands, or forcing him to choose sides. Don’t take his loyalty to his sister so personally.
Tell your boyfriend you appreciate the special relationship he has with his sister, even if it’s hard for you to understand at times. Ask questions to learn more about their sib dynamic. Respect that she will likely always be an important part of his life.
When you demonstrate empathy rather than frustration, it takes pressure off your boyfriend. He doesn’t have to feel guilty for caring about his sister. And he’ll be more motivated to return the care and understanding.
Give him space to fulfill family obligations
An important part of accepting your boyfriend’s relative bond is giving him space to fulfill family obligations. If his sister needs a ride to the airport or help moving, don’t make him feel guilty for helping her.
Let him attend important milestones like her graduation without complaints. Offer to help with planning family events. Taking a supportive role shows him you respect his family values.
And if he needs occasional space to deal with sib issues, grant him that. Pressuring your boyfriend to neglect family obligations will only drive him away. By giving him room, he’ll feel more inspired to make you a priority the rest of the time.
Evaluate if this is a dealbreaker
If your boyfriend chronically puts his sister above you no matter what you say or do, evaluate your deal breakers. Are you willing to accept always being a lower priority? Is the relationship fulfilling otherwise?
It’s okay to realize this situation crosses your personal line. Don’t stay and grow resentful if he refuses to make adjustments. But be sure to communicate clearly first before making the decision to walk away.
Analyze if this issue signals deeper problems like lack of commitment, immaturity, or different values. Get very clear on your needs, and don’t compromise your worth. As frustrating as it is, some scenarios simply can’t be fixed.
Focus on strengthening your own bond
Rather than obsessing over your boyfriend’s sister bond, shift your focus to keep growing and strengthening the connection you share together. Plan fun date activities, cook meals together, and ask engaging questions about his life.
Compliment him for the things you admire and appreciate about him. Initiate intimacy to reinforce your physical connection. Drop by just to say hi. The more you build up your own relationship, the less you’ll dwell on comparisons.
Strengthening your foundation and chemistry makes you feel more secure and improves your mental health. And your boyfriend will subconsciously take notice of your efforts. Nurture the love between you, and the rest will follow.
Final Thoughts
In sum, it can be very challenging when your boyfriend continually prioritizes his sister over your relationship. But with open communication, empathy, and compromise, you can find ways to become a bigger part of each other’s lives.
Try to be a good friend to his sister and give them less time alone as a couple. Don’t expect him to sever family ties, but do share your needs calmly. If he refuses to make any adjustments, you may have to move on.
Focus on strengthening the bond you share, and your patience will pay off. With understanding and maturity, you both can learn to balance these important relationships.
