So, you broke up with your girlfriend, but she still has some of your stuff. No matter how often you ask, she won’t return your favorite hoodie, laptop charger, cufflinks from your grandpa, and more.
What’s the deal? Why do exes keep their former partners’ belongings long after the relationship ends?
There are several common reasons an ex-girlfriend hangs onto an ex-boyfriend’s possessions. She may not even realize how much you want your stuff back! Or she worries that returning your cherished items means fully admitting your romance is over.
Whatever her reasons, getting your belongings back is possible with patience and the right approach.
This article will cover the top 11 reasons an ex may keep your things and practical tips to get your stuff returned. Let’s read on.
Reasons Why An Ex-Girlfriend Does Not Return Belongings After A Breakup
1. She misses you
Maybe your ex still feels for you and isn’t ready to let go. When she looks at your old t-shirt or uses your favorite coffee mug, it sparks happy memories of your time together.
Keeping your stuff around comforts your ex and helps her feel connected to you even though you’ve broken up.
There’s a good chance that your ex isn’t ready to return your things because getting rid of the last remnants of your relationship would mean admitting it’s over. She may need more time to process the breakup before she can give you back your belongings.
2. She still has feelings for you
Another reason your ex might be holding onto your stuff is because she hopes you’ll get back together someday.
By keeping your things, it allows her to fantasize about rekindling your romance down the road. Admitting the relationship is done and returning your belongings forces her to let go of that dream.
Don’t assume your ex still has feelings for you just because she hasn’t returned your stuff. There are many reasons why exes keep their ex’s belongings long after breakups. But it is a possibility, especially if you end things unexpectedly.
3. The items give her comfort during the painful breakup period
Breakups are tough emotionally. Having your t-shirt to cuddle or a coffee mug to drink from gives her comfort as she struggles to adjust to life without you. The familiar items offer a connection to all the good memories you shared.
Even if the breakup was messy or contentious, your ex likely isn’t holding onto your things to punish you as is sometimes assumed.
She likely finds solace in her belongings during this painful transitional period. In time, as the grief fades, asking for your stuff back may get better results.
4. She feels attached to the memories linked to the possessions
There’s a chance that your ex has made very fond memories of the items she’s holding onto after your breakup.
Maybe that sweatshirt reminds her of cozy nights cuddled on the couch together. Or that coffee mug takes her back to lazy Sunday morning breakfasts in bed. The connection to all the happy times you shared makes it hard for her to return them.
Mentally, your ex may know that clinging onto objects from the past isn’t healthy. But when those possessions are linked to cherished moments with you, don’t be surprised if your ex doesn’t want to return your belongings. Letting go of the items means also releasing those joyful memories.
5. She wants to punish you for the hurt caused by the split
If your breakup with your ex-girlfriend happened after someone did something hurtful, like cheating or picking frequent fights, she may now want revenge.
Getting back at you by keeping your favorite sweatshirt hostage or continuing to use your laptop could make your ex feel like she regained some power.
Though it’s frustrating when an ex won’t give back your stuff to punish you, try and see it from her perspective.
The split has caused your ex real emotional pain, so her holding onto your things allows her a tiny bit of comfort. There are better ways to get back at your stuff from your ex than threats or demands.
6. She has trouble letting go of objects in general, not just your stuff
Some people struggle to get rid of possessions or discard things they aren’t using. If your ex was already a bit of a rat before you broke up, it may explain why she’s hanging onto your belongings now.
Without any nagging on your part to clean up clutter, your stuff just got absorbed into your ex’s messy home habitat.
For people who tend to hoard clutter, it has nothing to do with you or the breakup. Be patient and persistent in asking your ex to return your possessions that she likely wouldn’t miss one bit if they were gone.
7. She finds utility or value in the actual items left behind
Your ex may still use the items you left behind because she gets practical value from them. Maybe your ex has made mental claims like, “I paid for half this TV so I’m keeping it” or “his blender is way nicer than mine.” Other belongings like clothes or small appliances may still be in regular rotation.
Allowing your ex to keep using stuff because it’s helpful for her makes getting those items back much harder.
She likely feels entitled to keep possessions with utility value. Be firm in asking for the return of items your ex may have incorporated into her new daily routine post-breakup.
8. She genuinely forgot about the stuff
With all the emotional chaos and upheaval of breaking up, don’t be surprised if your ex honestly spaced on getting your stuff back to you.
If you left things at her place while still together, those items probably blended seamlessly into her surroundings. Without you to remind her, it’s possible your belongings slipped her mind.
Make a list with specifics if possible so your ex knows precisely what she needs to locate. Drop off boxes and packing supplies to simplify returning your forgotten stuff she hasn’t used since you split.
9. She doesn’t realize you want them back
If you haven’t reached out directly or had a friend ask, she may have no clue you even want your stuff returned. Your ex might assume if you needed the items, you’d have asked for them by now.
Don’t expect your ex to read your mind and magically produce your possessions months later without request.
Communicate to your ex (or her friend) which belongings you want back now that some time has passed since you separated. Your ex will cooperate once she knows you need your things.
10. She’s waiting for you to ask for them back directly
It’s possible that your ex doesn’t want to face the awkward conversation of reaching out to return your stuff.
After the pain of breaking up, your ex might worry that texting you out of the blue about meeting up would give false hope.
Break the silence yourself by messaging your ex and asking to get your belongings returned. Suggest a public location like a coffee shop if meeting one-on-one feels too intense this soon.
Initiating the stuff exchange takes the pressure off your ex, who has to revive communication just for logistics.
11. She worries returning cherished items means admitting the relationship is over
Even if the breakup was mutual, fully accepting that a relationship has ended is often easier said than done.
Relinquishing those treasured mementos means tangible proof on an emotional level that you and your ex have never reconciled. That can be a harrowing realization to face.
If she seems reluctant to return highly sentimental items, have some compassion for how difficult it is to let go.
Consider allowing her to keep one or two cherished things if you’re comfortable. Asking for everything back all at once may be overwhelming if she clings to false hopes of rekindling with you someday. Be patient and understanding to get your stuff returned without more heartbreak.
What To Do If Your Ex Hasn’t Returned Your Things
Reach out directly and politely ask for items back
Don’t wait around hoping your ex will spontaneously offer to return your possessions. Communicate with your ex that you want your stuff back urgently by sending a friendly message asking when you can pick up your things.
Even if your breakup was messy, a politely worded request is more likely to get results than venting anger.
Offer to pick items up at her convenience
Make it super easy for your ex to return your possessions by offering to stop by and pick up your belongings yourself.
Give a few different time options that would work with your schedule. Taking the burden off your ex, having to track you down, or mail things gives her fewer excuses to keep putting off returning your stuff.
Don’t get frustrated if she delays
Be patient if your ex seems reluctant to return your items immediately or strings you along about timing. Breakups are emotional, so even practical matters like exchanging belongings can feel emotionally loaded.
Push persistently but gently for a definite date to retrieve your stuff. Avoid threats or aggressive demands, even if the foot-dragging drives you crazy!
Suggest meeting in a neutral public place if needed
If texting or calls with your ex feel too intense, propose meeting in a neutral public spot to get your stuff back.
Cafes, parks, or even police station parking lots allow for a quick belongings handoff without rehashing the relationship or risking arguments. Having a buffer of people may ease tensions between you and your ex.
And if small talk over coffee turns into hashing out feelings, at least you can leave more quickly than at someone’s home.
Keep first meetups short and all about the tangible task of exchanging your things. Save relationship closure conversations for later if needed.
Be clear you only want your possessions, not to get back together
To avoid mixed signals or false hope, clearly affirm to your ex-girlfriend that you only want to retrieve your belongings, not rekindle your romantic relationship.
After a breakup, emotions run high, so be sensitive but direct to avoid confusing your ex. Establishing healthy boundaries as you transition into being acquaintances again takes some care and maturity on both sides.
Staying centered on logistics like when and where to meet up prevents backsliding into the muddy waters of breaking up but still caring deeply for each other.
Taking a friend as emotional support is wise if you’re concerned about blurred lines. Treat your ex kindly, and ask her to return the favor by returning your belongings without drama.
Stay calm, and don’t argue about the breakup itself
It can be hard not to rehash old hurts or petty squabbles face-to-face with your ex, even if the purpose is exchanging stuff.
If she pushes emotional buttons during the meetup, do your best not to take the bait and steer things back to logistics. Arguing will likely only strengthen her resistance to giving your things back.
Stay centered on the task and leave non-essential baggage out of the conversation. Being rational rather than emotional makes it more likely for her to respond in kind. You will need closure once your treasured belongings are safely returned.
Consider small claims court for precious items
As an absolute last resort, if precious belongings are wrongfully withheld, like an expensive watch from parents or a laptop holding essential files, small claims court may help resolve the issue.
Outline what you legally own and give her one final chance to willingly return items before filing a claim. Having the strength of law on your side indicates how serious you are about returning your possessions.
However, going the legal demand route could permanently damage any chance of friendship or strained civility.
Weigh how much the lost possessions mean before taking such formal, adversarial action against your ex. Trying other alternatives first is usually wise unless she genuinely gives you no choice.
Final Thoughts
Breakups are hard enough without the extra hassle of getting your stuff back. But having patience and persistence with an ex who refuses to return possessions or drags her feet usually pays off.
Now you understand why your ex is keeping your stuff and why she may be reluctant to give you your stuff back. Avoid threats or frequent frustrating calls, even when she’s trying your patience!
Instead, reach out directly, offer to make pickups easy, suggest neutral public meeting spots if needed, and don’t argue about the past.
Make clear boundaries that you only aim to get your things, not to rekindle the romance. If precious items are unlawfully kept long-term only, then small claims court should be considered.
But in most cases, by staying calm and friendly in your requests, your ex will eventually cooperate in returning your belongings. Handling the logistics maturely helps you both move forward.
